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Double Fine Employees: Please Do Not Read

So there are these microwavable “Philly CheeseSteaks(tm)” in the back of the freezer in the Double Fine Action Kitchen. They’ve sat back there, untouched, gathering icicles, for at least a year. And I know they aren’t mine. And I also know they are probably totally unhealthy and full of nitrites or nitrates—whichever one is worse. And I know they are so old and frozen that eating one would taste like chewing on an unfrozen fake bigfoot suit. So I’m not going to do it.

UNLESS there is an earthquake here, which someday there will be. And if that earthquake is a 8.0 or above—which is a statistical certainty in the next ten years—and if I can tell that this building is going down in a heap of bricks, like we all know it will someday, this is what I am going to do: I am going to grab an icepick and run back to the kitchen and chip out one of those CheeseSteaks, and I am going to microwave the living bejeebus out of it, until the cheese product almost turns to steam. Then, as I fall, slowly, in a shower of bricks and glass, tumbling toward my dusty rubble tomb (the inevitable resting place of any San Franciscan) I will eat that delicious cheese steak without regret, guilt, or fear of consequence.

Because if we somehow survive the quake—the quake that will come to San Francisco some day and destroy this very building in which I sit (and probably yours too) and if the owner of the frozen CheeseSteak box digs through the rubble and opens the fridge and then counts the remaining cheese steaks and says, “Hey! There were three CheeseSteaks in here when I checked this box a year and a half ago,” I’ll say, “I saw it bounce out of the freezer during the quake, and somebody came by and looted it, and then a National Guardsman shot the looter, but not before the looter ate the CheeseSteak, and then they burned the looter’s body and took away the ashes. Thank god you’re alive, though.”

DF Employees: Why are you reading this? You should not have. Let me just say that I was kidding about the Earthquakes. Earthquakes are a myth.

09/04/2008 - 06:27 PM
09/04/08 - 08:28 PM

"One question: Does reading this preclude us from becoming future employees? Because I was really looking forward to being executive pool boy."
09/04/08 - 09:33 PM
Mystical Chocobo:

"Heh, indeed. But seriously, what is the status of Brutal Legend?"
09/04/08 - 11:22 PM
Apple Pop:

"What if you open it and it's just so cold that it is forever frozen and you must rename it to ice meat or something just as strange sounding? What will you do then, Tim?"
09/04/08 - 11:41 PM
Chief Wakamakamu:

"I'm calling shenanigans."
09/05/08 - 06:55 AM

"Now /this/ is what I call a news post. None of that crap about so-called 'games' or 'characters' or 'fans' or anything else irrelevant likat that."
09/05/08 - 07:48 AM

"Mmmm... old Philly Cheesesteaks *drools*"
09/05/08 - 11:49 AM

"What is... 'Cheesesteak'?"
09/05/08 - 12:30 PM

"So why would you know what an unfrozen fake bigfoot suit tastes like? :D"
09/05/08 - 03:30 PM

"I'm betting that those frozen cheesesteaks are just waiting to be eaten..."
09/06/08 - 03:16 AM

"I'm pretty sure you're not meant to start a sentence, let alone a paragraph, with the word "because". I guess this means I'm smarter than Sir. Schafer, so I'm going to go make some kick ass games. That is to say, more kick ass than the ones I've already made... *resists urge to post deviantart site* Although, I could be wrong."
09/06/08 - 05:26 AM

"Just eat the darn thing already, will ya?"
09/06/08 - 09:28 PM

"You're supposed to take the sandwich. It's one of the scavenger hunt items. Just thaw it out with pyrokinesis first."
09/08/08 - 08:58 PM

"Speaking as a man with sensitive teeth: this tale caused me great discomfort."
09/09/08 - 02:39 AM
General Balls:

"We had something like that living at the back of our old freezer. We bought a new freezer."
09/09/08 - 06:07 AM

"I'm thinking Ron Gilbert probably left them. He always struck me as a frozen CheeseSteak kind of guy. Out of interset, what is a CheeseSteak?"
09/10/08 - 12:37 PM

"Would a fake bigfoot suit taste better or worse than a real one? I mean, does 'real' bigfoot suit denote a higher quality material like beef jerkey, and thus its better tasting, or does it denote realistic bigfoot flesh, and thus tasting like an old shoe?"
09/13/08 - 10:41 PM

"Wow, I have thought about this very scenario at my workplace. Our freezer at work is packed full of microwaveable meals and I've noticed 90% of it has been sitting there untouched for months. If there is any sort've zombie attack i've got a surefire food supply for atleast a few weeks not to mention the building is pretty secure."
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