Here’s where your life finally starts not sucking

New job posting: Visual Effects Programmer!!!

We are looking for a programmer with an artistic background to produce special visual effects for the excellent game Psychonauts.

That’s right. A programmer with an artistic background. You heard me. They exist! I have heard tales! There have been sightings.

We’re not saying we need this programmer to be able to out-draw ME. But that’s just insane. I mean, look—

I drew this with my eyes closed:

Wait, hold on, that’s disturbing. He totally came out naked. I did not intend the monster to be naked. Jeeze, okay, so maybe you do have to draw better than me.

We just need a programmer with a sense of visual aesthetics who can take a piece of concept art for a visual effect and make it happen in the game. This might involve some art asset creation, some C++ programming, and some scripting.

Candidates need solid C++ and graphics programming experience and working knowledge of Photoshop. Experience with Lua or other scripting languages is a plus, as is experience with a 3D Modeling package.

FYI: If you come to the interview, you get a free beverage.

What are you waiting for? Just use the special visual effects programmer job hunt hotline to apply! Send in your resume, and some samples of your art or effects work. Now!

Now, you might say, “I am not a programmer with an art background, but in fact I am an artist with a technical background. I’m so technical, I could be on Star Trek. Hire me instead.” My answer: Okay, We’ll give it a shot. You send in your stuff too. I mean, who knows? You maybe you’ll just blow us away and we’ll change the job description to fit you because of your skill and charms and possibly being one of my relatives. You never know!

This job wants you bad! Look! It’s totally checking you out from across the room! You keep looking at it, and when it sees you looking, it looks away. But then it looks back and smiles, and you’re about to give it the wink you’ve been practicing all day (to try to make it look not so much like you’re having a stroke) but you get a little over-stimulated and shaky and spill your little mini-plate of appetizers down your shirt and onto the white rug, and someone says, “Okay, Boozo. Hate to kick you out of another party, but we all know how this usually ends, Sir Pukes-a-Lot.” And while they’re hustling you toward the door, you see that it’s still there, the dream job, staring at you across the room! Will you break loose and go talk to it? Or will you leave the party with spinach dip on your pants and nothing else? The decision is yours!

Do not be dumb! That is my advice. It has not worked for you in the past, the dumb thing. Give it a rest.

(I have repeated this entire job listing on our jobs page for absolutely no reason at all. It’s like I’m trying to get paid twice or something.)