I hate you, South Beach Diet.

You want to know the sad thing about this diet? I’m totally excited about eating that jello right now. And I have been for the last hour and a half. “Soon, soon,” I have been thinking obsessively, “I get to eat jello!”

Believe it or not, this is game related. People have asked me, “Why isn’t Brütal Legend at E3?” And I can not tell them the real truth: That I am just too fat to go to E3. But let’s not say fat. Let’s say “Jolly.” And I don’t mean, “Wah, wah. I’m too jolly and everyone will laugh at me.” I mean I am physically too jolly to fit out the door of Double Fine. I’m stuck in my office, wedged into my tiny-looking Aeron chair, my jolly flesh poking through it’s woven back like cheese through a fine grater. I am now forced to bathe by scraping the sticky parts of post-it notes over my armpits. Somewhere in one of my jolly belly rolls, my cell phone is ringing, but I cannot find it. Oh, woe is my jolly.

But I have my jello, and soon the world will be sorry.