NICE TRY, JEEP

Apparently, I almost died in the street like a dog last November. MAYBE.

Now, I appreciate the sentiment there, about how not killing me is a good thing. But I find it hard to believe that this “eyewitness report” is true. Mostly because I would never cross the street before the light was green. Never! I am the most fearful, law-abiding pedestrian in the city. I cower on the sidewalk until I know it is absolutely safe to cross, and when I get to the other side I drop to my hands and knees and kiss the curb in gratitude. I’m no fool, no siree. I’m going to live to be 103.

I think what happened is that the author of that eyewitness report was tricked, as many have been, by my doppelganger, Asa.

I only know about Asa because when I used to go to the cafe across the street from the Record Finder store, they would always give me free pie. Delicious, free pie for no reason! I always assumed it was because I am such a likeable and hungry-looking person. But then one day, as they handed me my un-earned pie, they said, “This is for all the great music you’ve hooked us up with over the years.”

I immediately explained to them, of course, that it was no problem and that hooking people up with music is just one of my passions. But what the hell were they talking about?

It took me a long time to figure out who they thought I was. Mostly because I didn’t try very hard because I really like pie. But then this one time at my local stationery store the clerk who was ringing me up said, “...just let me take 10% off the total for your Record Finder discount…”

So I figured out who it was, and I eventually got to meet him. He turned out to be much cooler than me, so I was quite proud to be confused with him. But how weird would it have been if that red Jeep had mowed him down in my place? After getting me free food and cheap stationery, he takes a bullet for me and dies! Man…

That would be kind of cool, though—for me. I mean, wouldn’t it be awesome if we all had a look-alike who spent their days engendering good will for us? Making us heroes in our neighborhoods? And then when our lives are threatened they step into the path of danger in our stead? What a super-helpful pal that would be. Like a Shmoo.

But, Asa, if you are reading this, stop crossing the street on the yellow. Though it may not seem like your problem, you are now responsible for maintaining the level of pie to which I have become accustomed.