QUIT YOUR STINKING, DUMB-ASS JOB already!

And come work here!

Nobody at your current job likes you anyway. And—you didn’t hear it from me—but I heard that they’re going to fire you as soon as you finish that thing you’re working on. I’m not kidding. Get the upper hand and quit now! And then check our jobs page for new jobs! We’re looking for a system programmer and a producer. (No, Caroline did not leave. She is just building an army of SUPERPRODUCERS to take over the world, and she wants you. Trust me, when the war comes, you don’t want to be on the other side.)

And we’re just hiring another programmer because someone said our company was too good-looking, so we thought we’d take that down a notch.

HA HA.

By hiring a programmer!

Ha!

Because they’re ugly!

Get it?

P.S. I would like to personally apologize to all of my programmers for that last comment. I am of course kidding, because you are all so very foxy, and I am deeply, deeply attracted to each and every one of you.

P.P.S. Okay, supposedly I shouldn’t have said that last comment either, because APPARENTLY it could be misconstrued to be sexualized harassment. Even though everything I do is—because of who I am—highly sexualized, this is not. It’s all in fun, right? Right? I am not attracted to you, of course. But, I mean, I’m sure someone is. What I meant was, even though you are attractive, I have not myself noticed. I have only heard that you were attractive second-hand. And the person who told me you were attractive has been fired for sexual harassment. There, are you happy now? Happy tearing this company apart?

Okay, but the rest of you: please come to work here. I swear I’m not around that much. Thanks.