TERROR ON BRANNAN STREET

I know you don't think this is frightening. You probably even think it's cute. Aw, look, a car shaped like a giant hot dog! Whimsical!

No. Not whimsical. Not at all. Let me tell you about the nightmare I am living.

A couple of weeks ago, when I first saw the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile driving alongside me on the freeway, I thought to myself, "Well, now, that is whimsical." And that was fine. And then the SECOND time I saw the Wienermobile, I thought how lucky I am to see this rare beast twice! I should snap a picture! BEHOLD-->

But then, walking into work this morning, what do I see perched right outside our door like a vulture? Wienermobile. I am being stalked by Oscar Mayer.

As I approached, two women stepped out of the vehicle. I quickly hid behind a nearby sapling and waited for the mysterious wiener girls to walk by. When it was safe, I emerged from hiding and took the picture you see above. The Wienermobile quietly sitting, waiting, watching. What the hell is going on??

Then it struck me. Back home I have hot dogs in my refrigerator. But not Oscar Mayer. I have Hebrew National All Beef hot dogs. Uh-oh. How could Oscar Mayer know this? Are they trying to convert me? Or eliminate me? And believe it or not, the police will do nothing to help until an actual threat of violence is made.

So next week, if I turn up dead, with a hot dog sticking out of every orifice of my body... well, that could be a lot of things. But if all of my blood has been replaced with mustard, and if I have written the sentence, "Oscar Mayer killed me" in pickle relish on the floor next to my body... well, please just try to refrain from making wiener jokes on my tombstone.